Recently I was at a meeting and there was a woman in the room sobbing and telling everyone how she felt “broken” and that something was wrong with her.
I knew that feeling so well, and girl could I empathize.
For many years I thought and felt there was something intrinsically wrong with me. Probably because I'm a writer and a bit dramatic, I likened it to this: being a toy that was put together incorrectly and my maker knew I was defective but still put me out in the world to hobble along anyway. I felt it jiggling around in my core. That stubborn, broken piece that meant I was less than.
I’d feel this sense of brokenness especially if a romantic prospect fell through and would always think “something is wrong with me, so I’m just meant to walk this world alone.”
A bleak mindset to have, right?
I’m not sure when the shift happened & I stopped feeling that way. To steal a quote from The Fault In Our Stars, I imagine it took place slowly, then all at once.
First I just had to get sober.
Remove the boozy bullshit that was ruining my life and driving me deeper and deeper into madness and depression. Then I had to go to meetings, connect with other alcoholics, and feel like I wasn’t alone in my sadness. Later on I also I had to learn to accept that sometimes I was sitting on my “pity pot” with this feeling of brokenness, picking at it over and over again like a scab...but not on Day 1.
Remember, this was a slow process.
Like the day I woke up and realized I didn’t want to drink anymore or didn’t want to die anymore, I woke up and didn’t feel broken anymore. The dread, loneliness, despair, and self-pity attached to that wildly incorrect notion was just...gone. Vanished. Poof.
So, if you’re reading this and feel like you’re broken, know you aren’t alone...and that over time the thought will slip away and you will feel so much better. Wholeness feels damn good.